lumbay

"There is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass" . (Charles Kuralt)

i decided to go home on foot after a tiring day at the office. it took 30mins to cover the distance, between the trike terminal and my rented room's location. grateful for the sweat that poured out, have been living a sedentary lifestyle for over a year now. 


the short walk  also made me appreciate the things that i have, however simple they are.i was feeling melancholic all day. my " matandang dalaga " syndrome has struck again, hahaha.



but inspite of the unexplainable sadness that has overpowered my spirit all day, the breezy air brought forth gladness.

byahe

had a chance to go on a four day travel recently. got a chance to see a pristine river in south cotabato, a serene beach front and an enchantingly beautiful waterfall in samal island. it brought unending gratitude in my heart that i am so blessed to have witnessed such beauty created by GOD. 

s i n e . . . .

watched the Avengers yesterday. watched it alone. missed my movie buddy.

just this morning i was recounting my movie experience with my co-worker, she asked " sino kasama mo nanuod? ". i stopped on my tracks and thought, do i need to be with someone to watch a film? i responded " wala, ako lang mag - isa. i guess i have to do things on my own."

that conversation brought me back to my so called SOLTERA life. does a person really need an other half to enjoy life?

maybe it does for some, as society dictates that a woman should be with a man and vise versa. in the present day it could be two men or two women together for that matter. so long as it is the concept of togetherness.  i guess, it wouldn't hurt having the bonus of a significant other's presence.

living a single life is hard to describe to one who is in a relationship. hey, i am also having a hard time understanding my own sinlgehood, much more difficulty is put into defining what happiness means to me.

at this point , i wont bother defining nor explaining how i find happiness in what seems to be a lonely life. i just know that i acknowledge loneliness when it hits me and i vast in happiness when i feel it.

i am after all, trying to live my life a day at a time.

ram - yun

Sitting on the dinner table alone, eating hot and spicy ram-yun noodles on a particularly hot summer night.
It was my first time to eat the Korean style noodle. I would say that it is delicious but it was super spicy for my taste. Tears welled up from my eyes, albeit I realized it is not from the hot chili soup, it is caused by the thought of eating by my lonesome self.

fishbowl

Earlier today,in our office pantry, my coworker and I sat across a girl who has unpacking her lunchbox.She was removing the two lunchboxes from a paper bag. She lay it on top of the table, then she sat down and got ready to eat. This girl who was very slim, opened the first container which contained a chicken dish then the second one which looked like a vegetable dish.

I was closely observing her and to my surprise my coworker's attention was also on her. We both smiled when the girl happily shook her head in approval of the food's taste. We concluded that the girl must be on a diet as she didn't eat rice.

Funny how out of curiosity and oftentimes out of boredom, people watch other people do their thing. I have found myself quiet on a lot of occassions, I must say, sitting in the corner of a cafe, restaurant; mall or even in a park observing people. It is quiet amusing how another person's daily activity could bring inspiration. You feel blessed that you are alive to observe how humans act and feel. That even if you don't know that person personally but you could sense what she feels at that moment.

It's like watching fish in a bowl. Swimming around the fishbowl may just be an ordinary act of survival for the fish but to the onlooker in brings gladness. 

Appreciation is the key. Acknowledge what you have in life. Be grateful for them. Be thankful that you are alive to appreciate how others live.

Enjoy each simple moment everyday as YOU maybe the fish in someone else's bowl. 

Live Life A Day at a Time

No what ifs and what might have beens.


Overthinking wastes so much of my energy.


I could always plan ahead but unforeseen things happen.


Better live life a day at time so that I could accord my feelings at what is happening in the present.


It is not right to course it on the past and not so ideal to focus on the future.


Live my life in the present. 


Feel what is here today.

Easter Sunday

I spent Easter Sunday in a nice quiet hotel in Cabanatuan City, Nueva Ecija. The hotel has three swimming pools which my two nephews and my niece enjoyed. The resort didn't boast of a an ultra high-tech waterpark that other resorts had, but what I enjoyed was the elegant villa that we stayed in. My eldest nephew wanted us to go to another resort with monster waterslides, but considering it was Easter Sunday that particular resort will surely be heaping with people. I didn't want that, I have not been able to spend much time with them anymore so a quiet place is more appropriate for bonding.

The time spent with them is priceless. I love all three of them! Each has his own endearing characteristic. I may not be able to have kids of my own and I am glad that I have them to shower love with.

My constant prayer is that they be God-fearing , responsible, and happy young individuals.

Bulaga !

Life is a Roller Coaster Ride

A few days before 2011 ended, unexpected events transpired in my life. Events that caused me sadness and confusion. On the first month of 2012, I thought things were beginning to shape up as I have found new work. I told myself, the new year definitely brings new beginnings, I was hopeful, But before January ended a string of events has turned my " NEW BEGINNINGS "  into "ENDINGS BEFORE IT EVER BEGUN ". Other people's greed brought forth misery, while human error caused me sorrow nevertheless both causing damage to my personal and professional life.


I spent February dealing with the residual issues of the previous month. I have allowed myself to feel  resentment, self-pity, dismay, hatred, regret, and anger. Such strong negative emotions that has drained the very core of me. To the point where I questioned God why the events happened as they did. The month passed leaving me with more confusion.


Exhausted from the confusion, I decided to dedicate March into a month where I would turn things around. I was tired of being miserable, I had to do something or else I will just be stuck in a rut. By the grace of God before the month ended I found myself being employed again. A new hope has sprung.


The first quarter of the year has just started but a lot of things has happened, I bet that there are LOTS of  surprises ( may it be good or bad) to come. One thing I learned from all these, no matter how you plan your life, there are times when  " FORCES "  would contradict them , your plans turn into waste and you find yourself lost. 


Change is really inevitable. We cannot own a magic mirror that would foretell our future. Life has to be lived. The key is to be prepared that life is really full of surprises.

Bagong Laptop

Got a brand new laptop today.My kind-hearted friend who is based in Dubai bought me one.On the condition that I pay him back whenever I am able, not bad eh? Kaya salamat sa kanya, I have a computer to write my blog on.

Why BLOG? Actually, patz of iampatzs.blogspot.com has been telling me for the longest time to write about my thoughts, my "BEH" ( my term of endearment for him which is short for baby or bebeh in swardspeak ) proceded on creating one for me. It was the 12th of March when he prompted me to post a blog, now it is the 27th and I am still struggling to compose an article. He is always teasing me about my habit to always procrastinate. Well, I am guilty as charged. Couldn't win an argument with him anyway, hahaha.

Anyways, since it was him who mentored me into doing this, then I will write about him.
It was April of last year that patz and I met. I moved into the door next to his'. He is a very likeable person, he had good vibes written all over him ( you should thank me for this   beh, hahaha ).  I am in awe of his many talents, he is a writer, an artist, a photo enthusiast, and a music afficionado. He is a creative soul, always busying himself in learning new things that would enrich his talent. Being a regular boring person that I was, we were on opposite sides of the spectrum. But nonetheless we became friends. To say that we opened up our innermost feelings with each other is an understatement. He would know when my episode of depression would start, I could sense when his would start. He would always catch me " ZONING OUT" (hence the blog name). He calls me the Zone Out Girl. I have rubbed this habit on him, hahaha. He has episodes of zoning out himself.

I am not the kind to share what I feel with someone, I was very afraid to appear as someone who is vulnerable. Being the first born, my parents expected me to be tough. I made it appear to everyone else that I am strong thus hiding my feeling of weakness. I only share stories of triumph with family and friends editing out the times when I felt I was very weak. I would clam up when I am in a bad situation, shutting my world from my closest friends. One even complained that I am so good at helping her out when she is feeling low but I don't ask her for help when I need it. Patzs addressed that flaw head on, whenever he feels I am feeling low or that I am hiding a bad experience from him, he would persistently pester me with questions until I spill the beans. He has seen me in my most vulnerable state.

The most vivid one was when I lost my new job. It was a hard blow because I was very hopeful that since the job came in on the first month of the year, then it entailed new beginnings, a fresh start. That hope was shattered. I was broken. We were lying on the floor on our sides facing each other and looking each other in the eye. I was crying while I told him about my frustration. I didn't see any trace of judgment in his eyes, there was only understanding and compassion. My display of weakness might put others off , but I am grateful that he just listened and let me be. That was my first display of KRUNG KRUNGNESS, which means being crazy. He has been witness to many episodes after that, hahaha.

When it was his turn to be in a "krung-krung" state, I was happy to return the favor and served as his sounding board. We shared this special bond and we were okay with our lives. Until he decided to go back to his hometown. The idea of having no one to share my problems with was unbearable but he had to spend time with his family back home. I am sad but I am happy at the same time. He needs this, he needs quiet time to evaluate and plan for his future. I will miss the dvd movie marathons and shared meals but I know the friendship would not end.

We still keep in touch. Updating each other on how our day went. He is currently going around in his hometown on his motorbike, exploring local beaches, watering holes and coffee shops. He keeps me updated on his adventure stories on our daily phone conversation. Thank God for unlimited texting and call, hahaha.  I so hate him because he is just enjoying himself and I envy him.
Whilst I, am currently hoping to land a new job here in Manila and be up on my feet again.

After being broken I feel that I am ready to face life's challenges again. I am grateful that I have my family and friends behind me. Thank you BEH for putting up with my krung-krungness. I plan to visit him someday. So looking forward to that.